“I wait for everything I hated; now, I mean. Like I wait for the meaningless sex, that doesn’t happen anymore. Sometimes my body wants it, I think. I can feel it. Not like arousal; well kind of. But kind of not….
I remember what we were like. I would come home to the flat after a long days work, and come home to him on the couch; he’s let himself in of course which annoyed me, but would somehow seduce me and we’d fuck- over and over. Don’t you think its strange? Desire; repetition. How we can do something over and over even though we’ve already done it? I I don’t know if Im making sense….. but anyway, yeah, we’d just fuck. And smoke. He being younger, I knew what I was in for: and I was right. Almost too right. Fucking- fuck, fuck, fuck- every day, but at the mention of anything that required more than 5 seconds of thought; or 10 seconds of undressing like: moving in together, or starting a family……. its all I wanted you know, deep down.
I had an epiphany you know, one day on a double decker. It was headed for Liverpool Street, and as we drove over the canal, I saw a family of Swans- it triggered something, and it made me laugh at how stupid it seemed, but I remembered as a child; wanting to be a swan when I grew up, just so I could lay eggs and mother cygnets. I wouldn’t listen to what anyone said; my mum, grandmother…. I just knew I would make such a good, proud, Swan mother. My desire, out of nowhere, underwent this massive shift- I remember thinking to myself- This womb Im basically lending, deserves to be a home. To a being; to life.
I didn’t expect him to understand; or to want to be with me for much longer. And, he wasn’t. So I guess I was right, in the end. And I knew about her; and I knew about the others- but it happens to all women who want more doesn’t it? So its fine; its fine. It will be fine. Their nervous; selfish ways aren’t their fault. Im not even sure men ever really want children. For themselves, anyway.”
An interview/project I’ve been working on; more soon …
